What am I so Afraid Of?
Today is my birthday!
Normally, I would spend the day watching TV, playing video games, and drawing a ton of stuff. This year wasn't much different, but I also decided to start walking around Center City today on-and-off. Although I'm meeting some friends tonight, the fact that I don't have more close friends or close relationships of any kind got to me.
Truthfully, this past year was tough. I had lost a lot of friends the year before and last year was spent dealing with that. Why did they go away? What drove them away? How do I stop doing these things?
It got to a point where it didn't matter how well I was doing; it all felt empty since it felt like I wasn't able to share it with anyone, not even my friends.
I started to correct a lot of the behaviors that drove them away, and I started to look at who and what I was as a person. All the while, it made it more difficult to raise even enough of my own self-confidence to try and meet new people since, more and more, all I could think of was screwing up again.
Today, I sat down and thought about why its hard to meet new people and why I can't seem to get over that hump. I wrote down all of the things that scare me about it, about all the things that scare me about even being myself to myself.
This isn't a cure-all, its just an acknowledgement.
Today is about moving past all of that. Today is about just focusing on being happier and better. Its about being me and making sure that I'm someone I like again.